Alexithymia

Alexithymia

Sometimes it’s hard to think back to how I used to be. I doubt I’m the only one like this, but once I learn a new skill or a new way of being—once I’ve really integrated it—it’s like it’s always been there or like the new me is the way I’ve always been.

We’d like to think so wouldn’t we… Alas not the case, I was once not at all anywhere near the emotional genius that I am today. Humility aside, I worked so, so hard to get here. I specifically remember in my twenties being absolutely mute while trying to describe my feelings. I couldn’t identify them. I couldn’t even maybe necessarily feel them!

I have a particular memory of being with someone I was dating where they were pouring out their heart to me and I was paralyzed unable to respond or contribute to the conversation. I said nothing, and I can only imagine how unseen they felt and how awful that was for them.

There was an ocean between us. I later learned, it was the ocean of what’s called Alexithymia—the inability to recognize, identify, and describe one’s own emotions. Many, many clients come to me with this same struggle.

My work in individual therapy helped me to begin to articulate my feelings. To get out of my head and go from thinking to feeling. To stop acting out my feelings and instead tolerate feeling them. And once I was able to do all that, to then communicate about my emotional experience to others.

There were a few other things that also helped me along the way (see future blog posts). I’ll talk more about this at length at some point, but I spent five years as a member of a Modern Analytic group. [ PSA: I am currently running a Modern Analytic group at HoneyB Wellness in Baltimore which has openings! ]. Modern Analytic Groups are phenomenal for helping clients learn how to put their thoughts and feelings into words as they arise in the present moment and in relation to one another.

If I could go back in time, I would tell my dating partner that while I was scared by their trauma and their pain, and I also was frightened by my own limited capacity for emotional intimacy, I was excited about getting to know them better and I loved spending time with them. If I’m being honest, it is so healing to think about telling them that now, even while only in my heart or mind. <3